Smile, life isn't so bad after all

TRAFFIC jams, unavoidable tax rises, wasps and the media’s ongoing infatuation with Cheryl Cole. All of them pale into insignificance with the subject of this week’s rant: rants themselves.

The problem is, people are always ready to give something a kicking when the opportunity comes up; it’s one of our quaint British traditions, like trains that don’t run on time or mediocre songs from reality TV shows clogging up the Christmas charts. But there’s still plenty of reason to turn those frowns upside down!

For starters, we seem to be starting the nicest summer since the mid-90s, with genuinely hot weather to bask in. It’s not that summers were better when you were a child, it’s just that you spend the really sunny days indoors, at a desk. We should all start a Champion-backed campaign to be allowed to work al fresco.

We’ve got plenty of glorious open spaces to enjoy it too, which is another reason to be cheerful. Even if you don’t like the wave of tourists who seem to wash up on the beaches there’s plenty of places which remind us just how great it is to live in these parts of the world; if you’ve ever stood atop Parbold Hill in West Lancashire on a still summer’s evening, you’ll know what I mean.

I love waking up to the sound of lawnmowers gently whirring across back gardens and the smell of barbecues being held just because their optimistic hosts can, and after what feels like an eternity of rain and dark nights it’s something we should all go out and enjoy. Even the doctors say it; a little sunshine is actually good for us.

And another thing - the World Cup has arrived. I know some people absolutely hate football but it’s good to see everybody joining forces behind something - anything - in the friendly fervour of their local pub, and having a laugh about it afterwards. But don’t get me started on the sunny prospect of England actually winning for a change.

I don’t deny the ranters and the moaners have often got genuinely annoying items to get angry about, but can’t we take a break and just enjoy ourselves for once? As Noel Gallagher once said - step outside, summertime’s in bloom. Don’t look back in anger when it’s gone.

Prisons just aren't what they used to be

EVERY so often the subject of offenders being imprisoned is raised.

We are subjected to the usual barrage of well meaning voices telling us that prison is not a deterrent and serves no useful purpose and that many convicted robbers, muggers, drug dealers and men of violence will almost certainly re-offend after leaving prison.

There is much talk of rehabilitation, but despite all the best efforts of the liberal minded do-gooders we see little, if any, change.

Sometimes we hear stories that prison is quite a comfortable place to be - with TV (although this in itself could be called punishment) computers, mobile phones, recreation facilities, libraries, education classes, and all too often, the availability of drugs. No wonder the re-offending rate is high.

Far too much time, effort and taxpayers money is spent on convicted criminals.
But surely we are missing the point here. There is another aspect to having an offender locked away.

Once ‘inside’ society in general gains a well deserved respite, and law abiding citizens can go about their business feeling safer. A neighbourhood once terrorised by teenage gangs have the right to live their lives in peace and not be fearful of their cars being vandalised or windows broken and to be free from physical and verbal abuse.

In days gone by, and certainly in other countries, a more austere regime was, and still is, embraced. Surely prison should be a deterrent. Take away all the home comforts and make prison a place where criminals will think twice about, before returning to their old ways.

Then we will get the hand wringing ‘human rights’ brigade, loud in their condemnation of such a change. But if a person chooses to break the law then he/she forgoes all ‘rights.’

We all have choices.

From a very early age, the majority of us learn right from wrong and sometimes a persons home life and upbringing is offered as an excuse for their criminal activities, but if that person chooses to break the law, then he/she must take the consequences.

TV stars are lots of things, but they definitely aren't fantastic

I AM dismayed that the current rash of young TV 'personalities' all seem to be from the same school of learning, where only a smattering of English is taught.

Similar words are used over and over again. Mediocre celebrities are often described as 'fabulous'. 'Gorgeous' is another word associated with young females, when just one look tells a different story.

'Fantastic' and 'amazing' are words so often used to describe a singer whose rendition would benefit from serious voice training, and may only receive a ripple of applause from the local pub karaoke.

'Astonishing' is used to describe an event which merits little more than a passing glance. All these words are stock in trade for the 'celebrity' judging panels. The viewer can always rely on an explosion of 'fantastic' and 'amazing' and very little else, certainly nothing much of any substance.
Celebrity chefs attract the usual stock in trade words to describe their creative dishes.

Other words associated with these ubiquitous programmes apart from 'delicious' and 'now that's something else' - what, in the name of sanity, is that supposed to meant. And another thing - staying with television, some advertisements which stretch credibility to its limit, include cleaning products.

Are we gullible enough to believe that a woman faced with a heavily stained item of clothing is joined sudddenly by an uninvited, unexpected female (who pops up like a fairy godmother). A trick last seen when Aladdin rubbed his magic lamp. This particular Genie is wearing a tee shirt emblazoned with a named product. The stained item is then lowered into a tank which contains the magic poweder and 'presto' - the stain is gone.

Another trick is to squirt an advertised brand onto cookers, floors, hand basins and tiles and 'lo' the item is then shown in pristine condition. Does every product include a magic wand or a cleaning fairy.

The spirit of Tommy Cooper please note. And don't get me started on the never ending sofa sales...

Extra charges are tipping us over the edge

THERE seems to be an ever increasing conspiracy afoot by some businesses, to extract more money from the long suffering public for doing very little to justify it.

I refer of course, to the ever increasing number of extra charges we are expected to accept. Some examples are - Registration Fees - Enrolment Fees - Booking Fees - Charge for using a credit card - Call out Charges - and the unpalatable practice of adding 15% or 20% ‘service charge’ to the bill at some restaurants, (regardless of the quality of service) and I am sure you can think of others.

As far as call out charges are concerned, if a tradesman (I can think of a plumber, locksmith or an alarm engineer) is called out at the night, then a charge would certainly be appropriate. But to impose a call out charge during normal working hours is just taking the mick.

We often see advertisements in the local paper from tradesmen or computer ‘fixers’ that end with ‘no call out charge’. This is announced as if an exceptional service or discount is being offered. So many services are conducted in our own homes and yet some people feel an extra charge should be added to a job that can only be done in the home.

I believe that an individual or organisation should be glad of our business, and in the present climate, falling over themselves to improve and compete, without these additional charges.

Tips are another thing I am less than happy about. Why are we expected to tip for a service for which we have already paid? If we are driven from point A to point B by taxi or hire car then we are charged the going rate. Of course if the driver helps with shopping or suitcases, then a tip is discretionary and may be deserved.

The person who brings (sometimes overpriced) food to the table in a restaurant often expects to be tipped.

The person who attends to my hair will expect some sort of gratuity for personal attention, and this may be right. Although I may have already paid top dollar for this.

Then there’s banks... don’t get me started.

I'll happily give to charity, but not when you tell me to

I’M not one for having a go at charities but sometimes they really do take the biscuit.

Not the charity itself, you understand, but some of the collectors who represent them. They are obviously extremely decent people who are trying to do their bit for whatever cause they represent and should be applauded accordingly.

What gets my goat is the way some collectors thrust their tin can or bucket in front of your nose, wave it around annoyingly and expect you to part with some dosh. When you don't, some caustic comment is passed like "...at least we got a smile" or "...well have a nice day anyway."

Fact is, mate, a) I don't like people waving things in front of my nose when I'm going about my daily business. b) I can't stand snidy little comments being made just because someone thrusting a bucket up my nose hasn't got a couple of bob off me. For one thing, I may well have given to that particular charity at another time or I may not even want to give to that charity - my choice. And I shouldn't be condemned for it.

Similarly, when collections are made in the workplace, be it for this Day, that Day or some other Day, just because I don't give, doesn't mean to say I am a miserly, miserable so and so who couldn't care less about breast cancer, earthquake victims or kids in India with cleft palates!

Fact is I do care. I care very much. But I just don't see why I should be made to go on a guilt trip because somebody wants to hold a collection and I don't want to take part. It's a form of emotional blackmail and for all they know, I give to the charities but in my own way, in my own time and of my own volition.

Breast cancer is a perfect example. I don't wear something pink when someone at work takes it upon themselves to make it Wear it Pink Day. I quietly refuse. 'Miserable git,' I sense them saying. But, fact is, I'm not a miserable git. Unknown to them, I happen to give every year to breast cancer because I know someone close who had it. And besides, I'm a blokey bloke - I don't do pink!

The point is I give in my own way and in my own time, not the way others tell me.

Yes, we do need collections but for those people who turn the other cheek when the can rattles in our faces or a bucket is waved under our noses, give us a break. We do care - in our own way.

Riding into the sunset...on a cramped train

THE silence and the piercing stares between strangers shooting daggers at one another were like a scene you’d see from any bad Western.

Only this wasn’t a Spaghetti Western, this was Wigan North Western, and the region’s cowboys and Indians had just one thing on their minds. A seat on the 14:28 service to Birmingham New Street.

I know the volcanic eruption in Iceland means that most air passengers are letting the train take the strain when the nation’s airspace gets closed, but it highlighted a nightmare problem with getting between many of Britain’s biggest cities. The trains just ain’t big enough!

You really need A Fistful of Dollars to get your seat perched anywhere on a Virgin or CrossCountry Voyager because - despite all the statistics showing that the number of rail users has gone up - the powers that be have replaced all the old rolling stock with SMALLER trains. On a busy rush hour service this isn’t just annoying.

It’s madness.

If I’d wanted to pay £38 to stand up for a little short of two hours surrounded by the sweaty bodies of people I’ve never met before, I would’ve paid to go and see any of the better bands from Manchester and have a few drinks while I’m at it. Breathing recirculated air from a vestibule somewhere south of Warrington does not a fun afternoon make.

Whisper it softly but part of the reason Virgin Trains was forced to give up its Cross Country services was because the trains simply aren’t big enough, and the new operator’s solution is to bring back the thirty year old Intercity trains, simply because they have more space. On the newer trains it doesn’t matter whether you’re
The Good, The Bad or The Ugly - you’ll still have to stand up.

I know it’ll cost millions of pounds to sort out, but we’re already paying a healthy ransom to travel by train.

I don’t care who won the election. I just want my seat back.

I'll be relieved to see the end of this problem

THE inadequate and unequal provision of public toilet facilities for women is a disgrace.

Every man in this country can rest assured that whenever he needs to use a toilet away from home, relief will be readily available to him. How very different for women who know that whenever they need to use a public toilet they will probably be forced into joining a long, embarrassing and humiliating queue.

The practice of compelling women to queue endlessly for what is surely the most basic of human rights is not just because women take longer or go to the toilet to do their hair and make up. It is simply because women are almost always provided with fewer or less adequate toilet facilities than men. This even applies when the provider relies almost exclusively on the female population to keep them in business.

One of the worst culprits in this area is the Southport Flower Show. Despite relying heavily on female patronage and despite the fact that women are paying the same entrance fee as men they are treated unfairly!

On entering the grounds, women are greeted with the unwelcome sight of a staggeringly long toilet queue. Many of these women have travelled a considerable distance to support the flower show.

Where toilet provision for women is concerned we seem to be stuck in the Victorian era, and I think it’s time we moved onto the 21st century. The constant worry of being unable to gain quick and uneasy access to a toilet causes a great deal of stress, both physically and psychologically. There is no logic or practical reason for this abuse, the only reason is discrimination.

The unsatisfactory situation, despite affecting over half the population, is not taken seriously.